I Cried On My Way Home Today

I cried on my way home from work today. I cried because for the very first time I gave chemo to a child. I’ve watched, learned, listened, and assisted. But I have never given it myself. I cried because my heart ached that in order to try and save this child’s life, I have to give them poison. I give them the stuff that makes them sick. That depletes their immune system. The stuff that is 60 years old and was made for adults. I walk in with full personal protective equipment. Gown, two pairs of gloves, a mask, and goggles. Yet, this sweet child is laying in nothing but a hospital gown. I check labs every four hours and I say a prayer before each time they come up. I give medicine that smells the most terrible smell. A smell I can’t describe, but brought tears to my eyes.

I also cried happy tears, because I gave this child their very last first dose of chemo. I bonded with this child and family. I am finally doing what I’ve wanted to do for almost two years. I cried because I know in my heart, that although yes, there should be better options, this is the best option for now. And I get to be a part of helping to save a child. I get to bring joy and laughter to not only my sweet patient, but to the family as well.

I feel tremendously grateful that I was asked to be a chemo nurse. To be trusted with that responsibility from my co workers and my bosses is a huge blessing and I’m very humbled by it. It is stressful, it is hard, but growing relationships with these families is why I became a nurse. I will fight for these babies until my last breath, and I hope they know I am always in their corner. My heart is broken, yet so full of love for these kids.

So yes. I cried on my way home from work today. I’m sure it won’t be my last time. But I will never stop fighting. I will never stop loving. And I will never stop believing in better treatments for these babies.